Its that time of the year again

I got so used to categorising my feelings through different blogs (they are all very negative feelings lol) through this app, in high school uni and even up to a few years ago. It was my safe space but also my very depressing space cos of how I segregate the content.

Opening up the app again and seeing the list of blogs I have and reminding myself of the degree at which I used to struggle with - makes me feel a little weird inside but also a little happy to see how far I’ve come.

funnytwittertweets:

So we did a thing

I always think its weird, that when I think about what happened, I imagine that I’m watching myself. And I know this is somewhat normal for traumatic experiences. Dissociation, derealization, whatever it is. I don’t even remember where it hurt that day but I just remember watching myself in that situation.

The most recent one, which I am so proud of myself to say was a year ago and not any more recent than that because I have cut myself off, all I could remember was the frenzy in your face, the pain in my gut, and the calm & terrifying look of joy in your face once you were satisfied after doing what you did and saying what you said.

All the other times, I remember through flashes of mental imagery. My glasses on the floor. Puddles of water. The bed a mess. Locked doors, of the car, the house. Drinks spilled over the cupboard, the clothes. Your laughter seeing me feel helpless.

For months, I imagined seeing you and I imagined feeling the pain. Over and over again. A nightmare I couldn’t escape. Stuck on a loop in my head.

Now, I still get so much anxiety from just wanting to walk outside. Terrified you are watching. Waiting. Ready to pounce.

When I forget to lock the door properly, I immediately imagine you coming. It’s not even an arbitrary robber, it’s immediately you. Some nights I get so scared I even lock my own room door even tho I live alone. Just in case I need the double protection.

furiousgoldfish:

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

• Giving you food and clothing is the bare minimum
  
• You don’t owe gratitude for food and clothes you needed as a child
• You had the right for basic resources
• Parents shaming you for costing money is ironic and stupid
• What it means when they say ‘This is MY house’
• My house = my rules is blackmail
• Children don’t owe absolute obedience for being fed and sheltered

Physical abuse

• You are allowed to refuse any touch, not only violence
• If they ‘don’t know they’re hurting you’, why do they ignore or punish you when you protest?
• Hitting children is irrational and doesn’t work
• You cannot ‘provoke’ your parents to abuse you if they’re not abusive
• Why do parents actually hit, manipulate and traumatize children

Blatant Lies

• Care, nurture and affection do not make you weak
• They’re lying when they say it ‘wasn’t that bad’‘
• You wouldn’t have grown up spoiled if not for abuse
• You got too affected by it’ is a lie
• Your parents are not ‘just too emotionally immature’ to understand abuse
• ‘You’re not living in the real world!’ is nonsense
• You’re not worthless, a burden, ungrateful, or stupid, and your parents know that.
• Constant undermining of your accomplishments is abuse
• Not being allowed to talk about the past is symptom of abuse
• Parents who want you to be happy vs look happy
• You are not abusive for resisting abuse
• When they claim ‘they didn’t mean it’, it’s still abuse
  
• Your parents are responsible for their own actions regardless of how badly they try to shift blame on you

Psychological abuse

• Blind Obedience is not required in a healthy upbringing
• Disgust is a weapon abusive parents use on their kids
• If they say they love you, but walk all over your feelings, they don’t 
• Parents don’t have the right to enter your room to scream at you
• Parents insisting for you to be ‘tough’ are doing it to hide the trauma
• Even if a kid acts like ‘they can take it’, it’s still abuse
• Pretending abuse is discipline will leave children permanently scarred
• It’s inhumane to control and shame children’s reactions to abuse
• Why don’t you already know this? vs Teaching you necessary skills
• Acting like they’ll change is escape sabotage
• Parents are responsible for protecting children from harm
• References to how healthy parenting looks like
• Not being allowed to be angry with your parents is psychological abuse
• If parents want you to act way you did when you were little, they’re dangerous
• Threats about how hard your life will be later on, are bad for you
• Lack of continuity and ever-changing rules will cause anxiety
• Forced obedience will lead you to abusive relationships
• Parents acting like you’re a ‘bad’ is a shame tactic to control you
• There’s healthy and abusive ways to give children chores
• Revisioning the past and insisting you remember it wrong is gaslighting
• If your parents make you suicidal, they’re abusive
• Parents threatening ‘they could be worse’ is abuse
• Always assuming the worst intentions for your actions is wrong
• Keeping children hostage in abuse is torture

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Also, parents

alexx24712364:

Repetitively hurting me and asking me to forgive and trust you 

That’s the last time I’ll let you drown me lol

healingchildhoodtrauma:

Going from, “I don’t deserve to set boundaries” to “Having a relationship with me is a gift not everyone is entitled to.”